It's a Two Way Street

I have to say, I probably married one of the most easy going men. Seriously, Brad will go along with just about anything. He tells me all the time that he just wants to make me happy. And that shows in just about everything he does. He always lets me choose where we're going to eat when we eat out. He lets me pick what show we watch at night. He gives me a foot rub almost every night. He helps with the housework on his days off. The list goes on and on.

And I love all of these things. It's obvious that Brad expresses his love through acts of service. And I am so glad to have a husband who is such a willing servant. However, that's not necessarily how I most feel loved. Brad and I have tried to pinpoint what my "love language" is many times and we both have such a hard time. I'm easy to please, but very picky at the same time. One thing that makes me feel loved is just random acts of thoughtfulness.

In high school and college Brad understood how important it was for me to feel loved. He knew that it was the little things that count: a note stuffed in my locker, a cookie from the cafeteria waiting for me at our table in the morning, a quick phone call before bed just to say goodnight. He was always so good about making everything special. He went all out. One time, he put together a scavenger hunt for us to go on that took us through all of our favorite places to go when we were dating. I remember one day when we were first married I had to work all day and Brad was not going to be home when I got home. He left probably close to 100 notes for me to find scattered throughout the apartment. The notes were hidden everywhere. I loved looking for all of them! When we were paining our front room, I went to bed one night before him. He painted "I love you" on the wall for me to find when I woke up the next morning. It's things like that that really just get me. That make me feel special and loved.

Now that we're married and have a child these things happen less and less frequently. It's not that I think Brad doesn't love me anymore. Or that I'm no longer special to him. It's that they take a lot more planning and effort. Probably my biggest complaint to Brad now is that he doesn't do those "special" things as often anymore. He doesn't surprise me. I'm not trying to harp on him, it's just the nature of where we're at in our relationship. It's truly harder to do those things. But that doesn't mean I desire them any less. So, every now and then I get upset and we talk about it and Brad says he will do better because he always wants to make me feel special.

Well, this week I discovered that it's a two way street. I've been working on cleaning out two rooms this week in order to prepare for moving Micah to his new bedroom. In the process, I've discovered Brad's "Amanda box(es)." You know, the box that has all of the special mementos from our time together: notes, cards, ticket stubs, etc. Let me tell you, he has several boxes! There's one box from when I went to New Zealand for the summer. I was gone for almost 50 days. I made him something to open every day I was gone. There's another box from when I did my student teaching in New Mexico. I made him different cards/notes to open on specific days (i.e. when it's snowing out or on a Sunday, etc.). There's countless letters from when we were apart at college. Cards to celebrate holidays, his birthday, our anniversaries, graduations, etc. Notes from high school. There's a scrapbook I made him for his 21st birthday that had several different "21 things" (i.e. 21 famous couples, 21 reasons he has the best birthday, 21 coupons to use, etc.). There are several picture scrapbooks that I've made him throughout the years. I mean, there's a lot of stuff.

Going through those boxes and letters made me remember how much effort I used to put into our relationship. I thought about him all the time and I wanted him to know it. I told him everything and since so much of our relationship was spent apart it had to be done in a letter (actually, we did talk on the phone every day, but I usually saved the really thoughtful and sappy things for our letters). I hate to say it, but I'm guilty of not putting the same amount of our effort into our relationship anymore either. Sure, I leave him notes in his lunchbox from time to time. Or I'll leave a card on his pillow for him to find when he gets home from work, but it's not nearly as often as it used to be. It's not that I don't love him as much. Or that I don't think about him every minute of the day. Because I do. It's that I have other things occupying my time right now. Another person. And while that is a legitimate excuse, I don't think it's a good one. Don't get me wrong, I'm not coming down on myself here, I'm just saying, I need to make more of an effort. I need to show Brad more often how much I love and appreciate him. I know he knows it, but sometimes you just need to show it.

So, that's my goal. I'm going to make more of an effort. I want to make my husband feel more loved. I want to show him that love in real, tangible ways. I also know that his love language is acts of service so while a note in his lunchbox is nice, I know that I have to make more of an effort to do something for him. I need to be the servant to him that he has been to me. It's not about doing it so that he does it for me. It's about showing my husband how much I love him. And reminding him that I love him even more today that I did four years ago when I left him mushy notes all the time.

Keeping a Budget

I'm not going to lie, I've never been very good at keeping a budget. I don't remember being told how to do it as a child and I never really had a need to until I was married. I started baby sitting when I was in sixth grade and that money was completely disposable. I used most of it to go to the movies or buy clothes. When I was a senior in high school I got my first "real" job working at The Children's Place. I was making a little more money and now had a cell phone bill to pay ($20 a month!). It wasn't until I was a senior in college that I had any other kind of regular bill (a car payment). But I was bringing in quite a bit of money by working at Gymboree, working as a part time nanny, and still doing weekend and evening baby sitting jobs.

It wasn't until Brad and I got married and I finished college that we really started to need to budget. Suddenly, we were hit with several bills: rent, electric,my car payment, cell phones, and student loans. Somehow we just always made it work. About two years ago we really started getting serious about making and sticking with a budget. We also started to get serious about paying down our debt. Both Bradand I had a significant amount of student loan debt as we went to school for more than four years and I went to all private institutions. We read The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and started with the steps right away.

I have to admit, I don't always like sticking to a budget. I like spending money. I like pretty things, both for me and my boys. But I've come to realize in the past two years or so that it is more gratifying to spend money that I actually have than it is to spend money that should go towards something else. This is where a budget comes in.

Every month, Brad and I sit down together and make a budget. This is especially important to do monthly because Brad is paid hourly plus he gets reimbursed for his mileage to work so his paycheck really varies week to week. Also, a lot of our bills are not fixed so we pay a different amount every month. We start with how much Brad should make that month (we never factor in his reimbursements as we never know for sure when he will get those--that's bonus money!), then we immediately deduct our tithe amount (that's for another post). What's left is what we have to spend for the month. We go down our list of bills and put in how much we owe on everything that month: mortgage, car payment, gas, electric, insurance, student loans, etc. We also factor in how much we spend on groceries a month, gas for the cars, and food for meals out. All month long, I keep a running list of "unusual expenses" coming up for the next month. Things like a birthday gift, MOPS dues, money for a baby sitter, hair cut, etc. Then, I add those to our budget. I also try to set aside some "fun" money for me and Brad. This is money that we will use to do something by ourselves (for me it's usually go shopping or scrapbook, for Brad it might be golf or Starbucks) or that I will use to do something with Micah (i.e. the pool or zoo or lunch at McDonald's). We really try to budget every penny that Brad will make that month.

Doing it this way is so helpful! I should also mention that we've moved to the envelope system where we use cash for all of our purchases minus bills and gas for the cars. This really helps us keep with our budget. For example, if I budget $50 for myself this month and I spend $50 at Archiver's by the 10th I have no money leftover for the rest of the month. It really makes me think about what I'm buying and if it's worth it. Which is really good for me, because I tend to be a spender! If we don't spend all that we budgeted in one area we can move that money to another area or carry it over to the next month.

Like I said before, I'm not very good when it comes to keeping a budget, but this method has really helped me. I know what I have and I don't feel limited, which is something I was afraid of. If I want to get lunch for me and Micah one day, I can, but I know that that means we might not be able to do something else later. Also, since there's always some "fun" money budgeted I don't feel like it's all business and no play. Plus, it is so gratifying to see how our student loan debts keeps going down and down. When I think about how much money that will free up when we're done with those it makes all the sacrifices right now totally worth it.

So, I highly recommend you read the book. And make a budget for your own household. But don't just follow ours. Do what works for your family. But do something. It's always shocking to see how much money you're actually spending and on what, but it's even better when you start to see the benefits of budgeting wisely.

Celebrating Valentine's Day

I am a huge fan of all holidays. Even Hallmark holidays. I love any reason for a celebration. My high school youth pastor wrote a great blog entry about hating on Valentine’s Day. You should read it. I agree with him, love should be celebrated. And just because Hallmark is telling me when to celebrate it doesn’t mean I should automatically not celebrate it on that day. For that reason, I like to “make a big deal” out of Valentine’s Day. No, Brad and I don’t do a big, extravagant dinner out and presents, but we do acknowledge the day. And our love for each other.

But this year I was really excited to include Micah on the celebration. He’s still not old enough to understand the day, but he’s old enough to do fun things. And there’s few things I love more than watching him just have fun. So, that’s what I tried to make the day about: celebrating our love as a family and having fun together.

Really, for us, Valentine’s Day started on Monday. I was a little late, but that’s when I finally had time to make some projects with Micah. Brad was home in the morning so before Micah’s bath, we stripped him down to his diaper and decided to do some fingerpainting. I’ve been wanting to fingerpaint with Micah for quite some time, but I’ve been worried about handling the mess by myself. I was really grateful to have Brad there for the first time so I could see how Micah would handle it. Because, in reality, it wasn’t fingerpainting, it was whole body painting. The ulterior motive to fingerpainting was that I wanted to get Micah’s footprints and turn them into hearts. I used them to make cards for the grandparents. Micah loved painting. He had so much fun running his finger along the paper and seeing the colors (much more gratifying than coloring with crayons as he still doesn’t press hard enough to get some real bright colors showing up). He did great with letting us paint his feet, too. And afterwards, he jumped in the shower (his favorite!) with Daddy and got to watch the water change color as he got clean.




After nap, I put Micah in the high chair for another craft. This time, I needed to trace his hand to make a card for Daddy. Micah wasn’t too keen on me tracing his hand so it didn’t turn out super great, but I know that Brad still appreciates the thought. Of course, I had to keep Micah entertained while I finished the card, so he played with stickers. He is all about the stickers right now. When he sees us pull out some stickers, he goes nuts! He starts to shake his hands and get so excited. It’s so adorable!




We ended the day by baking and decorating sugar cookies. Micah’s always such a good helper when it comes to baking. He likes to pull out all my pans and then all of my wooden spoons and beaters. He loves banging them together. When the cookies cooled, I gave him one frosted cookie and a thing of sprinkles to let him “decorate.” Once he realized what the sprinkles were he really wanted to help! But I let him eat his cookie instead. Whew! What a busy day! And just for fun, I let Micah have a bubble bath before bed. He loves playing in the water!





Brad had to work on Valentine’s Day so he took me and Micah out to breakfast. I think Micah’s favorite meal is breakfast so he loved eating out! Then, when we got home, we exchanged gifts. We got Micah a new board book as well as a sticker book. Brad also bought him a little plush Brobee. Brobee is from this ridiculous show that Micah loves, Yo Gabba Gabba. Seriously, stupidest show ever, but Micah loves it. Brad and Micah got me two gift certificates to get my nails done and a box of mint meltaways (one of my favorite candies!). Micah bought Daddy a box of one ohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.giff his favorite teas. And I made Brad a memory book. It’s called “The ABCs of Us.” For each letter of the alphabet it has a memory from our relationship. I found the idea on thedatingdivas.com.



After Brad went to work, I spent the afternoon with Micah. We colored and played with stickers. Then, we snuggled on the couch and watched Cars. I usually don’t let Micah watch a lot of TV but when he’s not feeling well we’ll sit on the couch together. We’ve watched a lot of Cars and Toy Story. He literally went into our DVD drawer and pulled out the Cars case and got super excited. How could I say no to that? All in all, it was a great day!

That actually does not conclude our Valentine’s festivities, but it does conclude this post. I’ll write more later about what we did on Wednesday.

15 Months

Micah is 15 months old today. I can hardly believe it! He is not a little baby anymore. He's a toddler! He has changed and grown up so much in the past couple of months, it's hard to believe. He has a lot of words now, and even more signs. He says several different slight variations of "ba" which can mean ball, button, or book depending on the context. He says "mama" and "dada," but mama also has a few different meanings, including "up." We're working on saying up so that I can get all the mama love. :) He says "wa" for water, "more," "truck," (he loves looking out the window when the garbage trucks go by!) "no," and "down." Those are all the words I can think of right now. He can sign more, eat, water, hat, fish, dog, bird, shoes, toothbrush, ball, and book. He's becoming quite communicative! And he wants to make sure you know it! He voices his opinion on everything from what he wants to play with to whether mommy and daddy can hug right now.

He is still a very active little boy. He keeps us very busy. His favorite thing to do right now, though, is read. He loves grabbing a book, bringing it over to us and backing up to sit in our lap so we can read to him. He's pretty good about sitting through the whole book, but sometimes he gets impatient and tries to turn the page before it's done. He also loves playing with his cars. He drives them around and makes noises for them. He's even started driving them on us, it's so cute. He loves it when Daddy chases him around the house, too. If Brad gets down on all fours, Micah will drop whatever he was doing and run, squealing with laughter. It's one of the best sounds. With the nice weather, we've been trying to get outside at least once a day. Micah still loves going on walks. As soon as I say we have to get his shoes on he runs to the windows and starts clamoring to get outside. He just sits in his stroller and looks around. He waves at people and always points out whatever creatures he finds (or hears) along the way.

We've been keeping a pretty busy schedule lately--I can't stand being cooped up in the house all winter long. On Mondays I go to Bible study. If Brad is working Micah comes with and plays in the nursery. He loves playing in the nursery and walks right there whenever we go to church. Tuesdays we go to the library to check out books and go to story time. He's so funny at story time because it's usually only one other kid but he acts so timid when we're there. Thursdays we go to a play class. We do some songs, play with bikes and cars, do an art project, and play games. Micah is always wiped out at the end of class and I have to try to keep him awake on the ride home. Every other Friday we go to MOPS. Again, if Brad's not working, Micah comes with and goes to nursery. He seriously loves being with all the other kids.

I still can't believe how big my little boy is! But he's as loving and cuddly as ever. I love snuggling with him at the end of the day before bed. And every time he looks at me and says "Mama" and then hugs me, it just melts my heart.

Time Stealers

We all have them. Those things that steal our time. We whine and complain about how we don't have enough time to get everything done, but we still manage to find time to do that one thing. Maybe it's read a book. Or go on the computer. Or watch TV. Whatever it is, sometimes it's hard to face the truth.

I don't remember what it was that first got me thinking about this, but it's something I've really been thinking about. A huge time stealer for me is the computer. As soon as Micah goes down for his nap I run to the computer. I have to see who has updated their facebook (and who looked at my pictures!) or catch up on my many blogs. Some days I would spend his entire nap on the computer. Then, when Brad got home for work I would ask for "10 minutes" on the computer. Ask Brad, it's never 10 minutes. And in honesty, very few people updated their facebook since I last checked. And the bloggers usually write new posts at night so there's nothing new there, either. But somehow I find something to steal my time. I was starting to feel like the computer was taking me away from things that are more important. So, as part of my new year's resolution I decided to limit my time on the computer. Micah's nap is typically two to three hours. On days that Brad works during the day, as long as I didn't go on the computer while Micah was awake (which is nearly impossible because Micah wants to share the computer with me) I gave myself one hour to be on the computer. Then, I have to focus on things that need to be done. If I didn't have time to do my quiet time in the morning, I have to do that. Most of my daily household chores take me an hour or less so I can usually get them done while Micah is napping. If everything that I need to do is done (that includes any phone calls, prepping for dinner, baking, etc.)and Micah is still sleeping I can go back on the computer until he wakes up. But I've been finding that I'd rather read my book at this point (something I was saying I never had time to do anymore). It has been working out fabulously. For the most part, I've been able to keep up with my housecleaning, and my quiet time is getting down every day. Plus, it gives me that "me" time. Because the truth is I need that time to just unwind. If I don't get that time to just do nothing on the computer I start to get wound up and everything gets to me. So, I'm not willing to give that time up completely. Also, on days that Brad works at night it's typically the same except the computer comes last because I spend the first 45 minutes or so of Micah's nap with Brad before he leaves for work. But I don't limit my time on the computer once Micah's in bed for the night. By then everything that I need to get done is done (especially because I've had Brad's help) and I can choose to spend my time however I want.

Thinking about my time on the computer also got me thinking about other time stealers in my life. Namely the TV. I've shared before that we don't really watch a lot of TV in our house. We only have DVDs and NetFlix so our shows are pretty limited. But when I started to think about it, I realized that I watched anywhere from 2-4 hours of TV a day on average. That's a huge chunk of the day--especially for someone who doesn't have "TV!" Whenever Brad is home at night we end the night together sitting on the couch watching NetFlix. We typically watch 2 hours, but if we get an early start to the night--or are really caught up in what we're watching--it can be as much as 4 hours. Don't get me wrong, it's a great way to just unwind together at the end of the day. There's nothing like just sitting side by side and relaxing (I have to be honest Brad almost always gives me a foot rub while we're watching TV). But couldn't our time be better spent? I'm not suggesting that we sit on the couch and talk all night long (though there are some nights where that's exactly what we need), but aren't there better ways to spend our time together? Is watching TV together really quality time? Before we had NetFlix streaming we used to play a lot of games. That was fun. We both love playing games and it allows for conversation more naturally than watching TV. Or we could read a book. Like each read our own book. I know, I know, what's the difference between that and watching TV? At least reading a book is better for you! And when we are both reading separate books we tend to tell each other about the book that we're reading--good conversation, again. I just think that when we talk about doing meaningful things together and keeping our relationship strong watching TV is not really high on the list of things that aide that. It's a time stealer. It takes away from our quality time together. I know it's going to be a hard habit to give up. And I'm not suggesting that we never watch TV together, but I want to try adding more to what we do together.

Personally, I think I'm lucky that we don't have TV because it doesn't steal my time during the day when I should be interacting with Micah or cleaning the house or making dinner, etc. I know TV has its place, and I'm thankful that we have it as a distraction sometimes, but I want to see if for what it really is: a time stealer. And I don't want it to have control anymore.

What about you? What steals your time? Any plans to take back the control?

Preparing for Overnights

This past week Brad had to work 5 overnights in a row. This is the first time he's had to do this and neither of us was very happy about it. I was especially dreading it because Micah had not been sleeping well lately. Plus, I tend to get anxious when I'm home by myself at night. As always, the time leading up to it was worse than the actual time, but I always manage to get myself worked up. Because Brad knew how much I was dreading it, he put together a really sweet package for me.

Each night Brad would "tuck me in" to bed and we would read together before he left. The first night we walked upstairs there was an overnight bag sitting on the bed. Inside was everything Brad thought I would need to get through the nights. He included:
*a hot water bottle to keep the bed warm
*Micah's play hammer to use as stress relief if Micah gave me trouble
*one of Brad's hoodies so that I could smell him in the bed
*a real hammer for protection
*a box of candy to open each night in case I get hungry in the middle of the night
*some smelly stuff (candles and pillow mist)
*People magazine for mindless reading for distraction
*a notepad because I just love notepads
*a card to open each night.



It was such a thoughtful gift and really gave me something to look forward to each night before I went to sleep. That Brad, he sure is a thoughtful guy!

Babies Don't Keep

I can't believe it's been 11 days since I posted last. I've been wanting to post. There are so many ideas jumping around in my head. But I feel like every time I sit down to blog something gets in the way. It's been a challenging past couple of weeks. Really, ever since the holidays Micah's sleeping schedule has just been so off. Before all of the Christmas excitement he was sleeping through the night probably 3-4 nights a week. And when he did wake up it was briefly, took less than 5 minutes to get him back down. Now, we've been dealing with frequent wake ups and they have lasted as long as 3 hours. Even as an infant he didn't wake up that frequently or stay awake for that long. We often end up bringing him in bed with us, but then he wakes up too early and starts beating us up (he thinks it's all fun and games, but Mommy doesn't like a quick hand to the face when she's still sleeping!). So, we've been walking zombies in the Kolar household for a couple of weeks now. But we're trying to figure out the best way to get him back on track. We know we're dealing with a couple of issues, not just being "off." He's getting his two top teeth and he was on antibiotics around Christmas. Plus, he's been a little gassy when he wakes up so we think he might be hungry or have a little upset stomach. Anyway, we've got a plan and hopefully that will help get things back to normal. Momma needs some sleep before the new baby comes and we start this all over!

Two nights ago I was up walking around with Micah just thinking about how tired I was and I wasn't sure how much more of it I could take. Then, I was reminded of a poem I'd read online. The last line says, "So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep! I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep." It made me stop and think about this time I have with Micah. He has always allowed us to rock him to sleep, but during the day he's not much for cuddling. He'd rather be running around. Sure, he's affectionate and gives lots of hugs and kisses, but he won't let us just cuddle him for more than a minute. And I was just thinking about how when I thought about being a mother that's what I thought about: holding a baby close to me and just cuddling. Now that I am a mom I know there are so many more wonderful parts of motherhood, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the newborn cuddles. So, I stopped myself for a minute and just thanked God for the opportunity I had that night to hold Micah close to me. He wasn't wiggling around and trying to get out of my arms. He wasn't reaching up and putting his fingers in my mouth or throwing his pacifier on the floor. He wasn't crying. He was snuggled up close to me with his eyes close, falling asleep. It was obvious from the moment that I picked him up that he just wanted his momma to hold him. The way he snuggled in close to my body and closed his eyes. As tired and as frustrated as I was I know that I will never look back on that time with Micah and wish that I had just put him in his crib and let him cry. I will be thankful for those snuggles and that time with just him. So, I calmed down and just enjoyed the moment. Yeah, at 3 o'clock in the morning it seemed to last a lifetime, but in reality it was about 30 minutes. Thirty minutes that I got to spend holding my baby. What a joy. And I asked God to help me remember that feeling, especially the next night when I would start all over again. It's so easy to get frustrated and feel defeated because of the exhaustion, but I wanted to just enjoy the moment because I knew that it wouldn't last long.

No, Micah is still not back on a good sleep schedule, but when I hear him crying in the middle of the night now I try to remind myself that this, too, will pass. And it doesn't make it any easier, but it does make me appreciate my time with Micah more, even if it is in the middle of the night.

For those of you that want to read the poem, here it is:

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton